Recovering feral Mithrandir leans into his head petting with eyes closed in bliss.

when petting is the problem

The commenter has a new rescue cat who is afraid of hands:

I recently got a half-grown kitten (at 7 months old), and it’s going to be a long road until he’ll accept pets. According to the shelter, he was rescued as part of a cruelty investigation 3 months prior, so at 4 months old. He’s scared of humans, especially hands. My other cats are demonstrating that my hands give good scritches, but he doesn’t believe them about that yet. If my hands are holding food they’re not too scary, though.

He’s getting more confident in being in my home, and I move slowly when I’m walking near him so he doesn’t panic and bolt. If I’m not moving around, he’s all over the place happily playing with the other cats.

As you’ve described doing before, I knew I could work with him in the shelter, when he was huddled in his shelter in the cage, and I talked to him and gave him blinks, then after a while he shifted from crouch to catloaf and gave me a couple of blinks back. Now, when I get home and sit on the floor to greet the cats, he’ll hurry up with the other two, but stop just at the edge of my reach with a “whoa that’s too close” look, so I’m reading that as he wants love, he’s just still scared.

I can only guess what happened to him based on his behaviour. Quite a few of his whiskers are blunt and short, so I’m guessing somebody cut them off at some point. When I had to get him back in his carrier at the vet, I ended up cornering him and slowly guiding him into it with my hand, and he didn’t do the feral hiss+defend, he huddled and had a freeze response. My best guess is that he learned that he can’t fight back against hands. (He went into the carrier with treats at home, and he sits in it regularly.)

This situation has a lot of upsides. The cat is barely starting his teens, so he is still open to learning and people. The commenter connected with him at the shelter, so we have the vital two-way communication working. His new home has happy cats he is making friends with, and they will be modeling good human interactions for him.

He likes hands with food, so he is capable of seeing upsides.

types of neglect

This situation illustrates the two kinds of neglect a rescued cat exhibits. One might be called “passive neglect,” where a cat does not get what they need, but do not connect their cruel situation with a human. Reverend Jim nearly died from starvation, but he saw people as his rescuers, and arrived at our home with a heart overflowing with love. His challenges were about helping his brain get over this setback.

The other kind is “active abuse.” This is where the cat is all too aware of who is making them unhappy. I’ve had many hand-shy cats who, much like Mithrandir with his feral caution, needed to learn that humans can be friends. While most cats happily respond far better to Fist of Friendshipinstead of a grabby hand, hand-shy cats with good reasons for being so need to be approached with a different body part.

Here’s some ways of doing so, in order of increasing trust:

Look of Delight is simple and works across a room. When we see our cat, we let happiness spread over our face like the sun coming up. Cats notice these subtle shifts in our expressions, and learn what they mean. It is how cats communicate among themselves.

Telling the Origin Story can be done even in a room where the cat is hiding. They hear our voice, and we can tell them the heroic tale of how we met. This is a shared moment we can use throughout the life of our cat.

See a cat, speak a cat is as simple as it sounds. We notice the cat, and then we let our voice tell them how happy their presence makes us.

Flirting is a fun game. We look, we look away, we intrigue the cat.

The Shift lets us lie on the floor so our cat can choose the body part they feel most comfortable interacting with.

Big Giant Head is my go-to move in shelters because it is done with my hands behind my back. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but cats are rarely hit or threatened with people’s heads.

Invisible Petting lets us pet a cat from across the room, using their imagination.

Cat Theremin lets our fraidy-cat get comfortable with the idea of petting, without actually touching them.

move at the cat’s pace

As with any cat challenge, like adding a new cat, creating a medical regimen, or moving house, we need to avoid impatience. We know more about the situation, and so we can move faster with adjustments.